


Dear Andrew Minyard

by BelaBellissima



Category: All For The Game - Nora Sakavic
Genre: Allison Reynolds/Renee Walker - Freeform, Andrew Minyard/dealing with his trauma, Andrew Minyard/friends and happiness, Andrew Minyard/healing, Happy Ending, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Implied/Referenced Suicide, Multi, Suicide, Therapy, assumed MCD, dear evan hansen au, gratuitous use of oakland and bay area landmarks bc hey! i live here so i know it, if some lines seem too much like song lyrics its because. they Are.
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-06
Updated: 2019-09-06
Packaged: 2020-10-11 01:50:13
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con
Chapters: 1
Words: 11,377
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20538194
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/BelaBellissima/pseuds/BelaBellissima
Summary: Dear Andrew Minyard,Today is going to be a good day and here’s why.---A letter that was never meant to be seen, a lie that was never meant to be told, a life he never dreamed he could have. Andrew Minyard is about to get the one thing he’s always wanted: a chance to finally fit in.If only it didn’t come at such a steep price.or, (A Dear Evan Hansen AU for the musical nerd in all of us)





	Dear Andrew Minyard

**Author's Note:**

> Oh My God I'm so excited I've been wanting to write this AU for soooo long, and I'm so happy to finally share it!!  
Thank you so much to my artist Ambercat993 and to Niko for co-hosting this whole thing with me (and for the last minute beta, you're a life saver ily)  
I hope everyone enjoys this! And don't forget to check out the art later today on ambercat's and the bigbang's tumblr!!
> 
> the underlined things in this chapter are not links, hover your mouse over them for a special surprise! Sorry to mobile users!

_ _

_Dear Andrew Minyard_

_Today is going to be an amazing day and here’s why. _

This was stupid.

Andrew didn’t know what Bee was thinking.

_Write a letter to yourself every morning, _she had said. _It’ll change how you view your day. Eventually, it’ll change how you think about everything._

What a load of crap.

No one liked his normal. No one liked _him._

Except for Cass.

But she was different.

She was his mom – foster mom – not the kids at school. No one at school liked how he was silent, and never smiled, and –

Everything, really.

He couldn’t just _change,_ become confident and interesting and approachable. He was the most unapproachable person he knew. He was sure people only knew his name because he was _that_ kid, the loner, the dangerous one. No one really knew him. And honestly, what was wrong with that? He liked not being bothered. He liked that people didn’t really want to get to know him, because that would mean that there were just more people to one day let him down.

The only person he needed was Cass. And Natalie, but she was different. He knew she was a bitch. She was just as upfront about it as he was.

And he didn’t really _need_ her. He could get by without her. With no one but Cass.

Besides, whenever Andrew did try to get to know people, back a few years ago in elementary and middle school, his hands would always sweat, at least before he realized that friends were never going to happen anyway so why even bother being nervous?

Except of course for that one time three months ago, when he wanted to finally introduce himself to Neil Conners, at the track meet, because he had the perfect chance. He was waiting in the bleachers, sitting casually with his earbuds in to make it look like he wasn’t paying attention when really there wasn’t any music playing anyway, he could hear the cheering and the sound of the horn starting every race, and he could see Neil’s flame red hair flying around his face, pulled back with that _stupid_ orange bandanna that Andrew absolutely hated, could see how he was barely even breathing different until the end of his third race, how he didn’t start to really pant and sweat until the seventh.

And Andrew would wait, until the meet was almost over, then he would saunter down the bleachers like he didn’t care, he wasn’t paying attention, and Oh, then Neil would walk by on his way to the gym for showers, and Andrew would bump into him and say “watch where you’re going, rabbit,” and Neil would say “oh, sorry, didn’t see you there Tiny, my name’s Neil,” and Andrew would say “oh, Eel, did you say your name was Eel? Like the fish?” and Neil would say “No, Neil,” and Andrew would say “Oh well, see I thought you said Eel,” because there was no easy real name for Andrew to actually confuse Neil with.

But he didn’t end up doing any of that because for the first time in years his hands were sweaty from nervousness, which was bullshit because Andrew hadn’t been nervous about things like this in years, the only thing he ever got nervous about anymore was whether or not _he_ would be home that night, that weekend, that whole month, when would he just leave again, so instead Andrew just sat and waited at the top of the bleachers like the loner he was.

“Hey, honey, did you eat at all last night?”

Andrew looked up from the mostly blank word document open on his laptop to where Cass was standing in his doorway. Closing it and sliding it under his pillow, he shook his head.

“I wasn’t hungry,” he lied.

He was incredibly hungry, but only a few minutes after Cass had left for her shift at the hospital, Drake had come home, so Andrew had stayed in his room upstairs with the door locked. It was better to go hungry.

Cass sighed. “You’re a senior in high school, Andrew. You need to be able to order dinner for yourself if I’m at work. You can do it all online now! You don’t have to talk to anyone on the phone. I know you don’t like the phone.”

Andrew didn’t care about talking to people on the phone. He just didn’t like talking to people in general. They only let him down, talking more instead of listening. The only person he could stand to talk to was Bee. Even Cass didn’t always listen, like right now. He had told her that it wasn’t the phone, but she didn’t hear.

“Yeah, but I’d have to talk to the delivery person at the door, and they like to talk while making change, and I would just stand there silent while they’re talking and it’s just not worth it.”

Cass smiled. “This is what you’re supposed to be working on with Dr. Dobson, Andrew. Talking, to real people. Engaging with them! Not running away from them.”

Andrew didn’t run away from them though. They ran away from him. The only person at school who didn’t was Natalie, and again, that was because she was just like him. They shared an understanding with each other. It was different.

Not that Cass would accept that. She thought the best of Andrew after all. It was what made her worth everything.

“You’re right,” Andrew conceded. “I’m going to be a lot better this year.”

“I know you are, sweetie, and that’s why I made you an appointment with Dr. Dobson for this afternoon. I’ll pick you up after school.”

Not that Andrew wasn’t happy to be able to see Bee early, but “I already have an appointment next week.”

“And I thought that maybe you could use something a little bit sooner.”

Cass smiled at him, closed lips but Andrew knew it still was real.

“Hey, have you been writing those letters she wants you to do? Yeah, the letters to yourself, the little pep-talks? ‘Dear Andrew Doe, today is going to be a good day and here’s why.’ Have you been doing those?”

Andrew usually used Minyard, not Doe, but Cass didn’t need to know that. She’d probably wish he used Spear, but he just couldn’t. Not yet. Not unless she really wanted to keep him, and time was running out anyway, he was seventeen and his birthday was in two months. If she wanted to keep him forever, she would have to put in the papers soon, or he’d age out.

And if that happened, then it was going to be Minyard. He would write to Aaron, apologize for telling him to fuck off when he had reached out a year earlier. He would move across the country to be with him, even if it meant being with the woman who gave him up, because at least he had made an effort.

Sure, Cass had too, she had kept him through his rebellious phase, through him getting in trouble, through him needing expensive therapy. She just hadn’t made it official yet.

“Yeah,” Andrew said. “I just started writing one. I’ll finish it at school and print in the library at lunch.”

“Those letters are important honey. They’re going to help you build your confidence! Seize the day!”

Andrew shrugged. “I guess.”

Cass crossed her arms as she leaned against the doorway. “I don't want another year of you sitting at home on your computer every Friday night saying you ‘have no friends’.”

“Neither do I,” Andrew replied. Not that it was possible. He couldn’t bring any friends over here, not where it was conceivable they would discover something, but he couldn’t go out either because everyone avoided him.

“Can we try to have an optimistic outlook?” Cass asked. “Can we buck up just enough to see the world won’t fall apart if you get out there? Maybe this year, we decide we’re not giving up before we’ve tried. Maybe this year we make a new start.”

Andrew didn’t reply. He hated new starts. He’d had thirteen of them in seventeen years, and he wasn’t too keen on making it fourteen.

“Hey, I know,” Cass continued. “You can go around today and ask the other kids to sign your cast. How ‘bout that? It would be there perfect ice-breaker, wouldn’t it?”

Andrew looked down at the blank white plaster cast that was wrapped around his left arm. His fingers and thumb were exposed, but the rest of it, from palm to elbow, was immobilized. Just another reason to lock his door and not make waves at school – he couldn’t defend himself very well with only one arm.

At least he didn’t have to worry about anyone seeing the scars on that arm, but he also couldn’t wear long sleeves anymore, not until the cast was removed, so he’d taken to wearing a compression band on his right. It wasn’t the best fix, it got him looks from teachers, but it would do for the next few weeks.

Andrew shrugged. “Sure.” Bee would probably like that too.

Cass smiled again. “I’m proud of you already.”

Oh. Good. Now he was just going to let Cass down as well.

“Well, go on and get out of here or you’ll be late,” Cass finally says, so Andrew pulls his laptop back out and picks up his backpack, slinging it over his shoulder as he leaves his room. Cass follows behind at a much more leisurely pace going down the stairs, changing course to the kitchen where Drake was eating a bowl of cereal while scrolling down his phone.

Andrew hurried out the door before he could be stopped.

The bus stop was only a block away, so Andrew made it with time to spare. It only took a few minutes before it rolled up, doors hissing as they opened. Swiping his Clipper card was second nature by this point, so Andrew was already scanning the bus for an empty seat the moment he stepped on. There was only one, in the back thankfully, but across the aisle sat Neil Conners.

Andrew could barely function around him from a hundred feet away – how was he going to survive the bus ride?

He sat down in the seat, head resting against the window with his backpack securely between him and Neil, a physical barrier – if a weak one – that could help put a little more distance between Andrew and his crush.

Neil didn’t notice him until they both got up for the same stop, only offering a halfhearted smile as he let Andrew go down first.

Inside the Oakland High School gates, Neil went a different direction, and the tension in Andrew’s shoulders relaxed just a little.

He was hopeless.

He’d barely walked three steps before Allison Reynolds approached him.

“How was your summer?” she asked, and when Andrew didn’t respond, she continued. “Mine was productive. I did three internships and ninety hours of community service. I know, wow.” She smiled and looked proud.

Andrew started to congratulate her, but she talked right over him, like usual. “Even though I was so busy, I still made some great friends. Well, acquaintances, more like.”

Reaching into his pocket for a sharpie, Andrew asked, “You wanna sign my cast?

“Oh my god!” Allison said, looking horror at Andrew’s arm. “What happened to your arm?”

“I broke it.” Andrew said. “I was climbing a tree- “

“Oh really? My grandpa broke his hip getting into the bathtub in July. That was the beginning of the end, the doctors said, cause then he died.” Allison frowned for a moment, then brightened. “Anyway, Happy first day!”

And with that, she walked away.

Okay then, nothing new so far.

“Is it weird,” another voice said from off to Andrew’s left, and Andrew looked up to see Natalie smirking at him, “to be the first person in history to break their arm from jerking off too much? Or do you consider that an honor?”

“You’re a dick.”

Natalie laughed. “So, what really happened?”

“I was climbing a tree and I fell.”

“Hah! You fell out of a tree! What are you, an acorn?”

“Maybe so,” Andrew joked back, with absolutely no change in inflection. He knew Natalie would get it anyway. “I worked as a junior park ranger in the Mount Tam State Park. I tried to climb a 40 foot tall tree- “

“And you fell,” Natalie said, unconvinced.

Andrew shrugged. “Yeah. I had to lay there for ten minutes for someone to come get me.”

“Nobody came, did they.”

Andrew shook his head.

“Jesus Christ,” she laughs.

“Did you have a good summer?”

“Yeah,” she answered. “My friends and I chilled a lot and got to party a bunch. It was pretty great.”

She started to walk away, and Andrew figured if anyone would say yes, it would be Natalie. “You wanna sign my cast?”

Natalie turned back to Andrew with a weird expression on her face. “Why are you asking me? We’re not friends.”

Right. Just people who understood each other.

“Never mind,” Andrew said, turning away to head to his first class, only to hear Natalie call out.

“Hey Neil! Loving the new wardrobe, very homeless-teen chic!”

Andrew looked, and there was Neil, in his baggy and old clothing three sizes too large, staring blank faced at Natalie.

“Geeze, it was a joke. I’m just kidding, even though it is true.”

“Yeah, no, it was funny. I’m laughing, can’t you tell?” Neil replied sarcastically. There was a beat of silence, then “What, am I not laughing hard enough for you?”

“Whatever,” Natalie said, walking away while shaking her head.

Andrew left as well. He had a class to attend.

It was easier to not get involved, not put himself out there. If no one noticed, no one would stare at him. Besides, it’s not like he had anything to share, to say. Not anything that others would want to hear anyway.

It was a simple lesson, really, and one Andrew liked to compare to being outside. If you get burned, then step out of the sunlight. You can’t get hurt if you’re never involved, if you never try to be on the inside of anything.

But Andrew had been finding that it was lonely, unfortunately, always looking in on the fun everyone else seemed to be having. He kept searching, waiting for anything that could help him balance the two, so that he was safe but not alone, but so far, there was nothing.

Maybe with Aaron, after he turned 18 and then after he graduated, that would change. He would finally have someone he could belong to, not in a weird, possession way – he’d had enough of that with his various foster families – but in a way where he could have a place that was his, with people who were his just as he was theirs. A family.

But it was impossible. Even with Cass, the closest he’d ever been, he still wasn’t completely in the family.

He was alone, just like he had been when he’d fallen out of that tree two weeks earlier. No one was there to help him because he hadn’t even made a sound to them. He had crashed and fallen to the ground, with broken bones and a pounding headache and dead silence all around. Even the birds had gone quiet.

“Hey, I’m sorry about Natalie, I know she was kinda being mean to you before she turned on me.”

Andrew looked up sharply and barely stopped himself from walking headfirst into Neil.

“Andrew, right?”

“Andrew.”

“That’s your name.”

“Yes,” Andrew said. This was going nothing like how he had planned in the Eel scenario. Instead of pretending he didn’t know Neil’s name, he’d made it seem like he didn’t know his own.

“I’m Neil,” Neil said, holding out his hand to shake Andrew’s.

“Yes,” Andrew said, not taking Neil’s hand, subtly wiping the growing sweat off his palms onto his pants. “I know.”

Wait. No! He’s still could’ve done the Eel thing!

Too late now.

“You… know?”

“I’ve seen you run during track meets. I sit on the bleachers after school sometimes.”

Neil smiled. “Maybe I’ll see you later then.”

Before Andrew could answer, Neil was gone.

After school, Cass called.

“Hey sweetie, I know, I’m supposed to pick you up for your appointment, but I’m stuck at work. Erica called in with the flu and I’m the only other nurse on today, so I volunteered to pick up her shift.”

“That’s fine.”

“Um, also, go ahead and eat without me. I won’t be home until late tonight, I’m heading straight to class after work. We’ve got those Trader Joe’s dumplings in the freezer though. Maybe you and Drake can cook them together. It would be some great family bonding for you too. I know he’s away so often, so try to spend some time with him while he’s home, yeah?”

Andrew didn’t reply. He’d eat out before heading home and lock himself in his room once he did.

“Have you finished the letter yet? Dr. Dobson is expecting you to have one. ‘Dear Andrew Doe, Today is going to be a good day, here’s why.’”

“Yeah, yeah, I already finished it,” Andrew lied. “I’m in the computer lab right now printing it out.”

“It was a good day, honey, right?”

Andrew hesitated. “Yeah. It was great.”

“Great,” Cass said. “I hope it’s the beginning of a great year. I think we both could use one of those. Oh shit, have to run. Bye.”

The line ended before Andrew could respond.

“Bye,” he said anyway, then began to finally write his letter.

> _Dear Andrew Minyard,_
> 
> _Turns out this wasn’t an amazing day after all. This isn’t going to be an amazing week or an amazing year, because why would it be?_
> 
> _I know, because there’s Aaron, and all my hope is pinned on Aaron, who I don’t even know, and who doesn’t know me, thanks to my own dumb choices. Maybe if I could just talk to him. Maybe nothing would be different at all. I wish everything was different. _
> 
> _I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to anyone. I mean, face it. Would anyone notice if I just disappeared tomorrow?_
> 
> _Sincerely,_
> 
> _Your best, and most dearest friend, Me_

Andrew hit print, then slowly closed his laptop, just to give him a minute to think.

“So, I meant to ask earlier, what happened to your arm?”

And there was Neil again. Of course. In his hands were some papers.

“I fell out of a tree, actually.”

“You… fell out of a tree. Well that is just the saddest fucking thing I’ve ever heard.”

Yeah. Andrew knew.

“No one’s signed your cast?”

“No.”

Neil shrugged and walked closer. “Well I’ll sign it.”

“You don’t have to. We don’t really know each other.”

Neil smiled. “I know. Do you have a sharpie?”

Andrew handed it over. Neil pulled his arm closer, which hurt just a little, but Andrew was too busy trying not to embarrass himself to show it. Neil wrote his name large, so that the four letters took up the entire outside of Andrew’s arm.

Oh, great. “Thanks.”

“Yeah, well.” Neil laughed critically. “Now we can both pretend that we have friends.”

“Good point,” Andrew said, though it was well known around school that Neil was friends with some of the exy team, then left to go get his paper off the printer. When he got there, there was nothing waiting for him.

Andrew recalled how Neil had been holding several papers in his hand.

Andrew turned to see if he could spot Neil, but the little rabbit was already gone.

Well, shit.

* * *

“I don’t have a letter for you today,” Andrew says after Bee hands him his cup of hot chocolate with marshmallows. Bee is okay with it, unsurprisingly.

“I’m very sorry to hear that, Andrew. Would you like to tell me why?”

Andrew shrugs and takes a sip. “Some kid at school stole it. I had it all printed out, but he grabbed it off the printer with his own things, didn’t even realize. I couldn’t find him to get it back.”

“Oh, well, that’s too bad, but I understand. What did you write?”

Andrew sighs deeply. “That life sucks. Today was horrible. People still avoid me, or if they do talk to me they don’t listen to what I have to say in return and only try to brag. No one except for the thief signed my cast, and he did it obnoxiously large. The only person who even comes close to being my friend was an asshole like usual and mocked me for breaking my arm.”

Bee smiled at Andrew. “About your arm, how are you adjusting. You are lucky to have broken your non-dominant hand, but it can still be a struggle.”

“It’s fine. The arm is the least of my worries.”

Bee hummed. “How do you feel about this other person seeing your letter?”

Andrew frowned. “I don’t like it. It was personal. I don’t even let Cass see them.”

“That’s understandable as well. I know it will be hard, and though it may be a bit unconventional, why don’t you use this as an opportunity. Next time you see him, ask him for it back, or if he’s read it. Try to open a dialogue with him. Maybe he’ll open up to you in return, and you can become friends.”

Andrew frowned. “I guess.”

Not a fucking chance.

There was no way in hell he would approach his _crush_ and _talk_ to him. What the hell was Bee even thinking?

Although, it did actually give him a reason to talk to Neil. That would be nice, so that if Neil just blew him off he would be socially allowed to call him an asshole (at least in his own mind, since no one else would listen).

* * *

“A letter to yourself? What the crap does that even mean? Is it like some kind of sex thing?” Natalie asked, three days later when Andrew finally told her about his continual bad luck.

“It was an assignment.”

“Well why are you talking to me about it?”

“Who else am I going to tell? Besides, he stole the letter from me three days ago, and he hasn’t been at school since.”

“That doesn’t bode well for you,” Natalie said.

“What’s he going to do with it?”

“Who knows? The guy’s quiet as fuck until he wants to rip someone to shreds.”

And, well, Andrew couldn’t argue with that. It was completely true. “Do you think he’s going to show the letter to other people? Do you think he already has?”

Natalie laughed. “He’s going to ruin your life with it, for sure. I mean, I would.”

And then, like a stroke of devilish intervention, the loudspeaker crackled.

“Andrew Doe to the Principal’s office, Andrew Doe to the Principal’s office.”

All eyes in the class turned to him as he slowly stood and left the room.

Fuck the office people. Hadn’t they heard of those little slips? Didn’t they have aids who could go to his classroom so that only the teacher knew where he was going?

In the main office, there were a few other students, waiting outside the principal’s office. Why hadn’t _they_ been called over loudspeaker?

Andrew recognized Matt Boyd, Dan Wilds, and Seth Gordon, all seniors like him, and all the only people Neil was ever seen hanging out with – his exy team friends.

Andrew got a bad feeling.

Before he could sit, Principal Abdel-Qawi  stepped out of his office, the gestured for all of them to enter.

Andrew’s bad feeling intensified when he realized Matt was silently crying, that Dan’s eyes were puffy and red like she had only managed to stop a minute earlier, and that Seth was looking uncharacteristically subdued.

“I’ll… give you kids a minute alone,” Mr. Abdel-Qawi said, then closed the door behind him as he left.

“What the hell is going on?” Andrew demanded.

For a minute, no one spoke. Then finally Matt said, “We uh, we’re Neil’s friends.”

“I know.”

Matt turned to look at Dan. Dan looked down at a paper in her hands. Andrew’s blood went cold. The little shit actually shared it with people.

“This is,” Dan took a deep breath, then handed it over to Andrew. “Neil, he wanted you to have it.”

Andrew barely kept from snatching it protectively out of her hands, cradling it close to him as if it could erase the words from their memories.

“Neil, he never mentioned you,” Matt spoke up again. “And then we saw ‘Dear Andrew Minyard,’ and we guessed it had to be yours.”

“How.”

“You’re the only Andrew without a real last name,” Seth answered.

“Seth!” Dan scolded.

Whatever. It was true.

“And he gave this to you?”

“We didn’t know you two were friends,” Matt answered. “We didn’t think he had any other friends than us three.”

“He doesn’t think he has any,” Andrew corrected. Dan burst into tears, and even Seth looked away, teeth grinding together.

“This letter though, this letter seems to suggest pretty clearly that you and Neil, or at least, that Neil thought of you as…” Matt took a shuddering breath. “I mean it’s right there, ‘Dear Andrew Minyard,’ it’s addressed to you, he wrote it to you.”

Andrew looked at the letter again. “You think that Neil wrote this letter to me.”

What a strange turn of events.

“These are the words he wanted to share with you,” Dan said.

“His last words.” Matt interrupted. “This is what he wanted you to have.”

Andrew looked up sharply at them. “What do you mean last words?”

The three looked to each other.

Seth broke the silence. “Neil killed himself three days ago. They didn’t find his body, the area was too burned, but they found the car yesterday afternoon. They went through his locker this morning, and they found this letter, laying right there under a piece of homework.”

“He was trying to explain why he was… ‘I wish that everything was different, I wish I was part of something. I wish that anything I said mattered to – “

“Enough, Matt, please,” Dan cried. Andrew tried not to flinch.

“Neil didn’t write this,” he said. He had to stop them from getting him mixed up in this, he couldn’t deal with their grief on top of everything else going on in his life, not with the events unfolding in front of him, he couldn’t-

“What do you mean Neil didn’t write this?”

“He’s probably just in shock.”

“It’s right there!”

Andrew stood, “I should just leave,” he said, but Matt sprang to his feet, reaching out.

“No, you can’t, you can’t leave, you just- “

Seth joined in, then Dan, and they were all yelling at each other and crying and Andrew just wanted to leave so he handed the letter back to them.

“Here, just keep it.”

Dan took it from him. “This is all we have left of him.”

“Look,” Matt said. “His cast.”

Andrew looked down at his cast, where NEIL was scrawled out in giant letters for the world to see.

“His best and most dearest friend.”

Yeah, there was no way out of this now.

* * *

“Ho-ly shit!” Natalie said later.

“I didn’t say anything to them after that.”

“Holy. Fucking. Shit.”

“They invited me over for dinner, apparently they all live together or something. They want to know more about Neil. About our… friendship.”

“What are you going to tell them?”

Andrew shrugged. The small image of him in the bottom corner of his laptop screen lagged, pixilating before jumping back to normal. “I don’t know, the truth?”

Natalie raised a skeptical eyebrow. “Really, you’re going to go to their house and tell them that the only thing they have left of him is really some weird sex letter to yourself.”

“It’s not a fucking sex letter, Natalie,” Andrew insisted.

Natalie sighed at him. “Look, do you want to listen to me, or do you want to end up being hated by people who were actually starting to maybe fucking like you for one second of your miserable life?”

Andrew pushed his laptop away and stood from his bed, pacing a few steps as he answered. “What, do you expect me to lie to them for the rest of high school?”

“I didn’t say lie! All you have to do is smile and wave!”

Smile… and… wave.

“Like the penguins from Madagascar? Smile and wave? No thanks.”

“Ugh, fine, be boring. Nod and confirm,” Natalie groaned, so Andrew sat down again, pulling his computer back onto his legs. “Whatever they say about Neil, just nod and say ‘yeah, that’s true’. Don’t contradict, and don’t make shit up. It’s fool proof.”

Andrew looked down. “I’ve never seen anybody so sad before.”

That was a tough record to break. Andrew had grown up around despair.

“Well then, it’s a good thing you’re about to tell them all the truth about the letter,” Natalie snarked. “I’m sure that’ll cheer them all right up.”

Andrew curled his lip in distaste, rolled his eyes, and shut the laptop.

* * *

Dinner was… awkward, to say the least.

Andrew sat with Matt and Seth at the table, while Dan busied herself pretending to clean up the kitchen.

“Would you like some more chicken?” Matt asked, holding the platter out to Andrew.

“I don’t think anyone really has much of an appetite, Matt,” Dan said, bracing her arms against the counter with her head hung low.

“Ms. Walker brought it over,” Matt explained. “Did Neil ever talk to you about Ms. Walker?”

Andrew nodded once. Three pairs of eyes were suddenly latched on to him.

“He only met her a few times, but still. She’s the landlord here.”

“He liked her,” Andrew said. It seemed safe enough, right? Neil was capable of being friendly to people.

“Neil hated her,” Seth corrected. “She made him uncomfortable.”

Shit.

“Yeah, that’s what I meant. He liked to talk about how much he didn’t like her.”

Great. Because that was a completely believable slip of the tongue. Even the scandal of the president claiming he meant ‘wouldn’t’ instead of ‘would’ was more believable.

“So, you hung out a lot?” Dan asked.

“Pretty much.” On the bus on the ride to school, on opposite sides of the aisle, not looking at each other or pretending they were there.

“Where?” Seth asked.

“My house. Sometimes his. We emailed a lot. He didn’t always want to hang out in person.”

“We looked through his emails. There aren’t any from you.”

God dammit! Why did Seth have to keep proving him wrong?

“That’s because he had a secret account. We didn’t use the school ones.”

“Why was it secret?” Matt asked. “Why wouldn’t he share it with us?”

“It was more private that way. He didn’t really want people to know that we were friends. I guess it was easier for him not being associated with me.”

“Why would he do that? He never likes- liked doing things the easy way.”

Seth scoffed. “Because he was a little shit who liked making our lives miserable.”

“He did good things too!” Matt defended.

“I remember good things about him,” Andrew said.

Like how he looked while running or when the sun reflected off his hair or when he completely destroyed people in debates in their classes, Andrew did not say.

“Like what?” Matt’s eyes glistened with unshed tears.

“Never mind,” Andrew said, trying to _Nope_ himself out of more lies.

“No please!!!”

Andrew flinched.

“We want to hear what you have to say. Please.”

Deep breaths. Think of other things. Bee didn’t know yet, but she had still coached him on how to deal with Triggers anyway.

The Table. A Bowl of apples. A clock on the wall. The light on the ceiling. A pile of shoes on the floor by the door.

The chair cushion. The coolness of the floor. The fork in his right hand. His cast on his left.

Breathing from multiple people. The ticking of the clock. A car driving by outside.

The chicken on his plate. Seth’s cologne.

Pepper lingering in his mouth.

Andrew took a deep breath and answered.

“Neil and I had a really great time together one day recently. That’s what I keep thinking about. He went to work with me at Mount Tam State Park.”

Dead silence. Andrew looked around and saw them, hanging on to every word. He sighed. In for a penny, in for a pound.

“We stopped by Sweeties diner on the way for ice cream. Well, I ate ice cream. Neil had a sandwich. And then once we were there and I had started my patrol – it wasn’t very big since I was only a junior ranger, but large enough to not run into anybody else – we found a clearing. They aren’t that common on mountains, but we were still the only ones there.

“We talked for a while about things we could do after we graduate. He wanted to run across the U.S., and I told him I would drive alongside the whole way until we reached the East Coast. Or maybe become a statistician. Well, he would, I would try to buy my own See’s Candies store and live above it or something.

“We always could talk about anything. You all know I’m a loner at school, but with him there was nothing we couldn’t discuss. It was… easy. With him. There wasn’t anywhere else we would rather be than with each other.

“After an hour or so, we got up to leave and Neil looked at me, then raced away towards the nearest tree. It was huge, about 40 feet tall, and Neil started to climb it. I followed, and we started to climb it together, higher and higher and higher, and when we were near the top, the sun was just _so _bright. We could look out over the horizon, and we saw San Francisco and Oakland and Berkeley and San Jose – barely- it was so fuzzy and far in the distance. Planes were the size of birds taking off and landing. The ocean and the Bay were shining practically yellow from the reflection, instead of its normal greyish blue.

“It was beautiful.”

Andrew paused, reaching forward to grab his glass of water and drink from it. He hadn’t talked this much to someone other than Bee in years.

“And then,” Andrew continued, setting the glass back down on the table, “I felt the branch I was on give way. I don’t remember much of the fall itself, but I do remember looking up at the leaves above me, and feeling my arm go numb. I remember closing my eyes for just a moment, and when I opened them again he was there, coming to get me.”

Andrew lowered his voice, wistful for a lie. “And I knew it would be okay.”

He huffed out a mocking laugh. “Guess I was wrong.”

When no one said anything else, Andrew stood. “I’m going to head home now. Thanks for dinner.”

The door closed behind him to a still silent room.

* * *

“Hey you, I have some exciting news!” Cass said, waltzing into Andrew’s room. “Your social worker called; it turns out your cousin Nicholas is moving back to America with his… with his roommate from Germany. He wants to meet you and was hoping he could bring Aaron with him out here.”

Andrew froze. “No.”

Cass sighed. “I know it’s scary to meet these people, but they really seem to care about you Andrew. I want you to have a good relationship with them while you’re here.”

Andrew shook his head, closing his hands into fists by his side. He was trying to hide it, but Cass must’ve seen it.

“Just think about it, okay?”

Andrew didn’t answer.

Cass finally got the message and changed the subject, but it wasn’t the relief Andrew was hoping for.

“I got an email from your school today, about a boy who killed himself. Neil Conners? I had no idea.”

Andrew shrugged. “I didn’t really know him.”

Cas stumbled her way through her next sentence, unclear how to proceed before finally managing, “You know if you ever want to talk, I’m here. Even if I’m at the hospital, I’m just a phone call away.”

Andrew nodded. Cass rocked on her heels, then leaned forward, holding her hand out at Andrew’s arm. “It says Neil on your cast, Andrew. You said you didn’t know him.”

Andrew looked down at his arm. Right, he had forgotten that Neil had signed it.

“I didn’t. He was just the only one who didn’t say no. Actually, he asked if he could sign it, I didn’t ask him. It’s only the second time we’ve ever talked.”

Somehow, the sad look on Cass’ face deepened. “Oh honey, I’m sorry.”

Andrew shrugged. “Don’t worry about it.”

Cass, sensing that he really didn’t want to talk, leaned over and put a hand on his shoulder, squeezing gently before leaving. In the doorway, she turned back to him. “Sleep well, Andrew.”

* * *

“I’m fucked,” Andrew said to Natalie, after explaining everything that had happened at dinner.

“You talked the one time your usual silence would help you. I can’t believe you.”

Andrew nodded. “It gets worse. They cornered me this morning. They want to see the emails, hoping for one last piece of him.”

Natalie burst out laughing, hands coming up to cover her mouth, then brush her long black hair away from her face, holding it back like a headband before releasing it.

“I told them I would have to think about it because they were personal.”

“You know they think you were lovers, right?”

“What,” Andrew deadpanned.

Natalie counted off on her finger. “Secret emails, that are too personal to share, while having an equally secret relationship, because you didn’t like to interact in school, but you went on romantic-like trips to the beautiful landscapes of Mount Tam?”

“Shut up,” Andrew grumbled.

Natalie opened her mouth to say something else, then paused, mouth hanging open for a few seconds.

“Oh my god,” she finally said. “You had a crush on him, didn’t you. You wish you were in a secret relationship with him, don’t you? This is too beautiful. And sad, I guess, but mostly funny.”

Andrew glared at his desk, pointedly ignoring Natalie as she laughed.

“Okay, so, I can help you with the email thing. It’s easy to make an account and backdate them so that they look old.”

Andrew looked back up, stared for a moment, then raised an eyebrow in question.

Natalie smiled. “Two Thousand.”

“No.”

“Five hundred?”

“Twenty.”

Natalie laughed. “Fine, but you’re a dick.”

Andrew handed her the money as their teacher began to talk, and that was the end of that.

* * *

The GoogleDoc mocked him as Andrew watched Natalie type, the little cursor marking his spot at the beginning blinking in and out. In the corner of his room, leaning against the wall, an illusion of Neil Conners stared back at Andrew.

> Dear Andrew Minyard,
> 
> We’ve been way too out of touch. Things have been crazy around here with the track meets and competitions, and it sucks that we don’t talk that much because of it.
> 
> But I should tell you that I think of you each night when I’m lying in bed. I rub my nipples and start moaning with delight, just thinking of-

“Why would you write that!” Andrew demanded, and from the other end of their Facetime call, Natalie laughed.

“I’m just trying to tell the truth. After all, you did write him a sex letter.”

“Okay if you’re not going to take this seriously then I’ll do it on my own. Give me back my 20 bucks tomorrow.”

Natalie sighed in exasperation as her blinker backspaced, leaving a nice blank space instead of horrible words. “You need to calm the fuck down, Andrew.”

“These need to be realistic, okay?”

“There’s literally nothing unrealistic about the love that one man feels for another.”

Andrew glared at his camera.

Natalie laughed again. “Right, forgot for a moment you know that.”

Andrew just shook his head and took up the typing instead, looking at the perfect specter-memory of Neil his mind was imagining, trying to see if he could picture the real Neil saying the same thing.

> I have to tell you life without you has been hard.

“Hard?” Natalie asked.

> -bad

“Bad? Really?”

> -rough.

“Kinky!” She laughed.

Andrew huffed and fixed the line again.

> I have to tell you life without you has been difficult. I miss talking with you about life and other stuff.

“Very specific.”

“Shut up.”

> I like my parents,

“Who says that?”

> I love my parents, but each day’s another fight.

“Wait, did he even have parents? Wouldn’t they have come forward by now?”

Andrew, without answering, deleted the line. The Neil in the corner smiled at him.

“This isn’t realistic at all. This doesn’t even sound like Neil.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I’m just trying to help his friends, okay. They want to feel closer to him, who cares if it doesn’t really sound exactly like him. They didn’t even know we were “talking,” let alone friends, remember? It’s believable he could’ve acted different around me.”

“Don’t kid yourself, Andrew.” Natalie said. “You’re doing this just as much for yourself.”

Andrew clenched his jaw for a moment, then resumed typing.

> I don’t want to be the person who puts you aside in favor of other things, but that’s what I’m doing right now to you. I want to be nicer to you. I’ll try to change that in the future.
> 
> Sincerely,
> 
> Me.

“Short but sweet,” Natalie smiled. “We done yet?”

Andrew rolled his eyes. “I can’t just give them one email.”

“Whatever. Start writing and I’ll be back in a minute. I need to pee.”

Andrew rolled his eyes. Again. Because honestly.

> Dear Neil Conners,
> 
> I also miss our talks. Maybe you should slow down, instead of always running headfirst into everything. That might help. Take some walks, or something. I’m thinking about working at a state park over the summer, maybe you could come with me or something.

_“Is that the best you can do?”_ Andrew closed his eyes.

_“You’re not real,”_ he thought, ignoring how the Neil figment across the room had walked closer, pulled out an imaginary chair and sat backwards in it, legs straddling the backrest only a few feet from Andrew.

_“I’m real to you, aren’t I? Eidetic memory and all that. You only needed to see me walk and talk once and you know exactly how I’d look and sound if I were real.”_

_“Doesn’t mean you are. Everyone has fake conversations and arguments in their head, so that they can win them over and over. So. Shut up. I win.”_

The Neil smiled, gave him a jaunty, two fingered salute, and disappeared.

“I’m back bitch,” Natalie said, loudly sliding into her chair so that Andrew could hear it scrape over her floor through the phone.

“Good. I was bored.”

Natalie laughed, and then they continued.

* * *

Andrew dropped off the printed emails in passing, handing them to Matt in the hallway and disappearing before he could comment, hoping that it would be the end of it, that they would finally leave him alone and let him get back to his life.

Dan cornered him right after lunch started, somehow already having read them despite being in different classes than Matt.

“Thank you,” she said, reaching out to hug him. Andrew neatly dodged it.

“Whatever.”

“Will you sit with us today? Pl- “

“Only if you stop saying that.”

Dan looked taken aback but nodded.

Andrew followed her to their table, sitting at the edge so that he could leave whenever he wanted.

“We noticed,” Dan began, speaking slowly as she through carefully about what she wanted to say. “Well, to put it plainly, the emails don’t really sound like Neil all that much. He was never this open with us. You must have been really important to him. It’s like he could finally relax while talking to you.”

Andrew lifted one shoulder slightly.

Matt continued. “I have to admit though, what you were saying at dinner shocked us. It sounded like you two were… ah… together.”

“No,” Andrew answered. “We weren’t.”

Matt looked almost sad at that. “That’s a shame. He really seemed happy with you. You would’ve been good for him.”

Andrew twitched in reflex. Not many people ever thought he would be good for anything, let alone someone they cared about. Andrew suddenly decided, fuck it. Neil was dead, and his friends were left behind with a gap in their hearts, and would it really hurt anyone if he helped fill the void? Would it do anything other than help them all?

Selfishly, and finally for the first time, he honestly answered. “I wouldn’t have objected to it. I… liked him. Like that. But. He never noticed me in that way.”

“Oh Andrew,” Matt said. “I’m so sorry. Was it because of Aaron?”

Andrew looked at Matt, shocked and confused.

“His final letter. It mentioned someone named Aaron. It sounded like he wanted Aaron to notice him and feel the same way about him.”

Andrew warily watched Matt for a second, then lowered his head slightly and looked away. He didn’t answer out loud, but Matt took it for a yes.

“Just know we’re always here for you. If you ever want to talk about Neil, or anything.”

For the first time in years, Andrew _wanted._

* * *

In the middle of working on his next letter for Bee, Andrew’s skype beeped with an incoming call. He answered reflexively, expecting it to be Natalie.

“Andrew!” A cheery voice came from his speakers. “Hey, it’s Allison. How are you? How’s everything?”

“Fine,” Andrew replied.

“Oh my god, Natalie’s been telling everyone about you and Neil, about how close you were, how you were best friends. Everyone’s been talking about brave you’ve been this past week.”

“They are?”

Andrew scowled at the screen. He hadn’t made Natalie promise not to spread the rumor even more, but he had kinda expected her to have the common sense not to. Maybe she knew how much it would frustrate him and did it on purpose.

Besides, why would anyone even listen to her? Not many people really knew Neil, no one knew him, and no one liked Natalie. It didn’t make sense why the gossip would be so plentiful.

“Anyone else in your situation would be falling apart. Janie Smalls was crying so hard in the lunchroom last week that she pulled a muscle in her face. She had to go to the hospital.”

Andrew raised an eyebrow. “Hasn’t Janie been in the hospital the whole year so far already? She never even met Neil.”

Allison nodded sympathetically. “That’s why she was crying – because now? She’ll never get the chance. Neil is really bringing the school together. It’s pretty incredible. People I’ve never met before now want to talk to me because of how much Neil meant to me. It’s very inspiring. I actually started a blog about him, a sort of memorial page.”

Andrew felt a sliver of fear for the first time in a while. “Were you friends with Neil too?”

Did she know that Andrew was lying?

“Acquaintances, actually. But close acquaintances. I know Dan, Matt, and Seth, so I met him a few times. Can I tell you something? I think part of me always knew you were friends. You did a good job of hiding it, but I don’t know. I could just tell. One of you was always looking at the other.”

Andrew’s heart thumped heavily in his chest. Neil looked at him?

What did it matter anyway? Neil was dead.

From the doorway, Cass called, “Who are you talking to on the computer?”

Andrew shut his laptop, not having heard her come up. “Just Natalie,” he lied.

Cass smiled. “Seems like you and Natalie are spending more and more time together recently. Are you ever going to introduce her to the family? I can make a nice dinner for the two of you.”

“She not my girlfriend.” Andrew said. Cass’ face fell.

“Right. Sorry. I know you don’t like talking about girls.”

Cass waited a moment, hoping Andrew would answer, but he stayed silent, swiveling his chair slightly from side to side.

Cass clapped her hands together. “Right, well. I’m off to the hospital for my shift, but I left some money down on the counter for you. There’s enough for both you and Drake, so maybe you can spend some time together? He’s lost a lot of his friends in the war, and he might be able to help you through all this. Just some advice or something.”

Andrew froze. Not a fucking chance in hell.

“Actually, I have plans with some other people. They invited me over for diner again.”

Cass’ face fell. “Well, I’m glad you’re making friends. Don’t forget to be home before curfew.”

Andrew nodded. “Bye Cass.”

Cass nodded back and left.

Andrew slowly opened his laptop up again, then called Natalie.

“Can I spend the night at your place?” he asked. “I’ll give you another twenty bucks.”

A smile split Natalie’s face like a knife.

“See you in twenty with twenty.”

* * *

“What are you wearing.”

Andrew stared at the little round _thing_ on Natalie’s shirt, half out of frame from how Natalie’s computer camera was angled. It was two days after he spent the night at her place, and she was acting weirder than usual.

“A button with Neil’s face on it,” she answered. “I’m selling them at lunch for $5.”

Andrew glared. “You’re making money off this?”

“A lot of people are,” Natalie explained. “Robin Cross made T-shirts for people, and haven’t you seen those wristbands everyone is wearing with Neil’s initials on them?”

Andrew had seen them around earlier that day, but it was churning his gut to realize that there was suddenly a market for Neil Conners memorabilia.

“I’ve got to jump on this now, before the hype dies down due to some tsunami somewhere and Neil just becomes that dead kid who no one remembers.”

“We don’t know for sure that’s going to happen,” Andrew interrupted fiercely.

Natalie scoffed, shaking her head at him. “Hey, it least it was fun while it lasted, right? I get some money, you got to have some quality time with Neil’s real friends.”

“That’s not why I did this. I just wanted to make them happier,” Andrew protested.

“Oh, shut up, Andrew,” Natalie scolded. “You’re getting a lot of good out of this. You don’t get to throw stones here. I helped you get what you wanted, let me get what I need.”

Andrew glared at the screen. “What do you even need the money for anyway?”

Natalie shrugged, failing at trying to play it off as natural. “Stuff. I owe some friends some money. I want some touch-ups on my back. I’d like to be able to have fun this weekend with some pick me ups.”

_Shit._

“You mean like Adderall or coke?” Andrew asked. “You know that shit’s bad.”

This time it was Natalie that glared at him. “Don’t worry about it. We’re not friends, remember? Focus on your own problems until Neil’s forgotten.”

Before he could reply, Natalie disconnected the call.

Andrew sighed. It would be fine. Neil wasn’t going to be forgotten and just disappear.

* * *

“Everybody has forgotten about Neil,” Allison greeted Andrew in a skype call a week later. “A week ago, everyone was wearing those wristbands and buttons with his face on them. People were talking to other people that they had never talked to before, and now? It’s all gone. Completely.”

“I know,” Andrew started to say, but was interrupted like usual.

“You need to do something about this. You were his best friend, remember? If anyone would know how to keep his memory alive, it would be you. Or Dan’s group, they were his friends too. You should work with them to do it.”

Andrew shook his head. “I don’t think that’s the best way to get people to remember Neil.”

“Well I can guarantee you that if you don’t do something then no one will remember him,” Allison forebode, hanging up as quickly as she’d called.

Andrew hung his head in his hands.

“What am I supposed to do?” he asked himself.

The imaginary specter of Neil appeared from his closet doorway, leaning against the side with his arms folded against his chest. “Why don’t you talk to my other friends?”

“I can’t talk to them. The more I interact with them the more likely they’ll figure out this was all a lie.”

“Says who? Natalie? Allison? Why are you even talking to them? They’re not your friends.”

“Well who else am I going to talk to?” Andrew muttered darkly.

Neil grinned. “You can talk to me,” he said lightly. “Unless you have other options.”

Andrew rolled his eyes in surrender. “I don’t know what to do.”

“Look,” Neil said coming closer to sit backwards in his desk chair again. “Dan? Matt? Seth? They need you. You are the only person who can make sure everybody doesn’t just forget me. Oh. Wait. They already did.”

“After two whole weeks,” Andrew joked back, defeated.

“And once they’ve forgotten about me, what do you think happens to you? I mean, nobody cares about people like us.”

“People like us?” Andrew looked over at Neil, frowning slightly.

“Neil Conners, the kid who transferred in halfway through last year then committed suicide only a week into his senior year?” Neil said, gesturing at himself for a second before moving to gesture at Andrew instead. “And Andrew Minyard, the kid who waited in the bleachers after track meets just to watch me in secret with sweaty hands and fake music playing. You know, people like that.”

Andrew couldn’t even argue. Neil was right.

“Look, guys like you and me? We’re just the losers who keep waiting to be seen. Right?”

Andrew looked away from Neil, choosing instead to glare at his bedspread. Not taking the hint, Neil continued.

“I mean, no seems to care, or stops to notice that we’re there right next to them, so we get lost in the in-between.”

“Go ahead, make me feel like shit, why don’t you?” Andrew grumbled at him.

Neil laughed, standing from the chair to come and sit at the foot of Andrew’s bed.

“But,” he conceded, “if you could somehow keep them thinking of me, and make me more than an abandoned memory, then that means we matter too. It means someone will see that you’re there.”

Andrew flicked his eyes up to meet Neil’s.

“No one deserves to be forgotten, to just fade away. No one should come and go out of the lives of people around them and have them not even know they were there. No one deserves to disappear.”

Andrew looked away. It was true, but he didn’t have to like it. After all, it wasn’t fair to be the one that no one noticed, and if people already knew that what they were doing was wrong, then why hadn’t they changed? Why hadn’t they even tried?

It didn’t have to be with Andrew himself either – they just had to try with the people around them, wherever they were.

Neil’s smile caught Andrew’s eye. “Say it with me then. Even if you’ve always been that barely in the background kind of guy?”

“I still matter,” Andrew answered.

“And even if you’re somebody who can’t escape the feeling that the world’s passed you by?”

“I still matter,” Andrew said louder.

“And even if you never get around to doing some remarkable thing,” Neil trailed off.

Andrew inhaled deeply. “That doesn’t mean that I’m not worth remembering. You sound like Bee.”

Neil reached out, his hand a ghost of a feeling on the back of Andrew’s hand. “That’s fair. But still, think of the people around you who still don’t know. You need to show them.”

Andrew stared at where Neil’s hand rested on his and nodded. With his mind made up, the specter of Neil faded away.

It was time to get to work.

* * *

“Allison!” Andrew yelled. A few people turned to look at Andrew in surprise, then hastily continued on. Allison, on the other hand, smiled and strode over.

“What is it?”

“I thought about what you said, and I changed my mind. I want to do something to help remember Neil. Like you said, I need to show them that no one deserves to be forgotten. No one deserves to fade away.”

Allison beamed. “Amazing! What are you thinking of so far?”

Andrew glanced away, looking for Natalie before explaining. He didn’t have to look for long before he saw her leaving the bathroom, so he waved her over. When she got closer, he saw that her hands were trembling, and she looked spacey. There was a red mark on her arm too, and Andrew stared. She glared at him to make him drop it though, so Andrew began to explain.

“I’m calling it the Neil Project.”

“The Neil Project?” Natalie said, eyebrow raised.

“A student group dedicated to keeping Neil’s memory alive, to showing that everybody should matter. Everybody is important. You know? Just because he’s gone doesn’t mean he should be… gone.”

Allison beamed. “I am so honored. I would love to be vice president of the Neil Project.”

“Vice president?” Andrew asked. She was sure jumping the shark.

“You’re right. We should be co-presidents.”

“Uhhh, sure.”

Allison looked to Natalie, a contemplative look on her face. “You can be treasurer. Or secretary. Unfortunately, the copresident position has already been filled.”

Natalie smiled mockingly at Allison. “Noooo shit. Guess I’m going to have to order new buttons. Unless you think I can fit the words ‘Neil Project’ onto the old buttons? I mean, depending on the font size it could work.” After that she hummed, her eyes closing as her head rolled around. “What about papyrus?” she asked, then laughed.

Andrew blinked. “Wait, you actually think that we should do this? I didn’t think you’d be on board so quickly.”

“Are you kidding?” Allison exclaimed. “Andrew, we _have_ to do this. Not just for Neil. For everyone.”

Natalie shrugged. “No one deserves to be forgotten, I guess.”

Around them, students had started to disappear into their classrooms as the one-minute warning bell rang. Andrew took a deep breath. “Alright then. We’ll meet at lunch and go over everything. Write down some ideas. Now go to class losers.”

It was hard to focus in his math class after that. Andrew had never liked math, even though he was good at it due to his memory. Still, once he learned the principles behind how statistics worked, he didn’t need to pay attention. All the problems were just fill in the blanks now.

Instead, he doodled in the corners of his page logo ideas for the Neil Project. He first thought of a rabbit, but it was too wrong now, looking back on things. He didn’t want the runner to be thought of as a scared animal.

Next, he thought of a fox. The shape of the animal was too wrong though, so he eventually switched to the paw of one. It would have to do – it didn’t look half bad, after all.

* * *

Okay,” Allison said, thumping down her binders onto the table as she sat. Natalie was lounging on the other side, one leg up for her to rest her head on it while the other hung down to the ground. Andrew, on the other hand, was sitting like a dignified gay, legs crossed beneath him on the top of the table, hunched over with his elbows on his knees and chin in his hands.

“This is what I managed to think of during class,” she said, handing a piece of paper with a bullet list on it to both Natalie and Andrew. Unbelievably, they were printed.

“When did you even print these out?” Natalie asked.

“Oh, Hernandez let me print them out after class was over.”

“When did you type them?” Andrew followed up.

“During class, duh. Anyway, what do you think of my ideas? There has to be something online, I was thinking at the bare minimum a Facebook page, an Instagram, and a Twitter. Maybe even a Tumblr page.”

Natalie barked out a laugh. “The minimum? Geeze, that’s like the whole idea that I had.”

Allison smiled. Andrew watched with interest as Natalie quickly looked away.

“That’s okay! Great minds think alike, you know? It means it was a great idea.”

Andrew coughed. “Well, I designed a logo. But, that’s it.”

He passed his notebook over, squashing down the urge to smile when Allison smiled again and nodded.

“That’s great! We can use it as the icon on the social media pages.”

Andrew looked back at the paper in his hands. “This says links to educational things?”

Allison nodded. “Yeah! I was thinking if we posted links to websites or phone numbers that can help with suicide prevention? Or links to fundraisers? If you look at the next item, I thought we could create our own fundraiser as well. I like the idea of doing something for Neil, like you know how when you’re on the freeway, it will say the name of someone who died as their memorial freeway? Like headed toward Castro Valley it’s called the Sgt. Daniel Sakai Memorial Highway. Like that, but with something Neil loved.”

Allison looked to Andrew. “What was something he loved?”

Andrew felt a spike of panic, but before he had to come up with a bullshit lie, other people sat down at the table.

Andrew looked up. “Oh. Hello.”

“Hello!” Matt said back. Dan nodded and waved while Seth grunted a greeting. “What are you doing?”

Allison answered first. “We’re calling it the Neil project.”

“The Neil Project?” Dan asked, looking interested if a bit pained.

“I didn’t want Neil to be forgotten,” Andrew said. “I asked for their help to create something to keep that from happening.”

“Imagine a major online presence,” Allison interrupted again, “With links to educational materials, a massive fundraising drive-”

“-to help people like Neil,” Natalie added.

“And for the kickoff event, an all-school memorial assembly next week. Students, teachers, whoever wants to get up and talk about Neil. Talk about his legacy.”

Andrew’s eyes widened. That was new. He looked back to the paper, then saw it there, last item on the list.

“I don’t know what to say,” Matt replied.

“This is wonderful. No one deserves to be forgotten,” Dan added with a smile.

“And I think I speak for all of us when I say that we can’t wait to hear from you, Andrew.”

“What?” Andrew looked sharply at Matt.”

“At the assembly? I think we all assumed that you’d be the first to speak about Neil.”

Andrew’s eyes widened. “Oh. Oh, no. I don’t really do very well with… talking. You wouldn’t want me to.”

“Of course we would want you to. I’m sure the whole school wants to hear from you. I know Dan and I want to hear from you. And Seth too.”

Seth shrugged. “Yeah. I guess. I kinda miss the kid.”

Everyone smiled. It made Andrew’s stomach swirl uncomfortably. His shoulders slumped as he nodded. “Okay. I’ll speak.”

* * *

The lights of the auditorium blind Andrew. He can’t see any of the people in the audience. He can pretend that he’s alone, and that’s what finally allows him to speak.

“Have you ever felt like nobody was there? Have you ever felt forgotten in the middle of nowhere? Have you ever felt like you could disappear? Like you could fall,” Andrew moved his left arm away from his body, looking down at the cast with Neil’s name on it, then continued, “and no one would hear?”

Andrew looked back out at the audience. “Neil was there. I was lying there on the ground, and he was there. That’s the gift that he gave me, to show me that I wasn’t alone in my hour of need. He showed me that I mattered, both to the world and to him.”

Andrew cleared his throat. He wished he had water.

“That’s the thing,” he continued. “Everybody matters. Everyone does. That’s the gift that he gave_ all_ of us. I just wish,” Andrew paused. His throat felt tight.

“I just wish that we could have given that gift back to him. So, for him, and for all of you, let that lonely feeling wash away. There’s a reason to believe in the future, that you’ll be okay. Because. Because when you don’t feel strong enough to stand? You can just… reach out your hand.”

Andrew raised his good hand a bit, looking down at it for a moment.

“Someone will come running. And I know they’ll help you; they’ll be there for you, they’ll take you home. Even when the dark comes crashing through, when you need a friend to carry you, when you’re broken on the ground. You will be found by someone.”

Andrew thinks about his own rule: If you’re getting burned, step out of the sunlight. He pushes it down and says the opposite.

“Let the sun come streaming in. Don’t hide yourself away out of fear of getting burned. One day, you’ll reach up and you’ll rise again. Lift your head and look around. I promise you. You will be found.”

* * *

Someone recorded the speech. Andrew was mad for all of a few moments before asking Allison to repeat herself.

“I put a video of your speech online and people started sharing it. Now? Neil is _everywhere._ _Your speech_ is everywhere. Last night, the Neil project page only had 56 people following it. Now? It has 6,239.”

Andrew paled. “What happened?”

“You did, Andrew. I made a follow up video and posted it on Instagram already, and it’s only propelled your speech further. We did it, Andrew. We’re actually helping people.”

Andrew hung up the call and pulled up the Instagram page. To his horror, the post had been like over 100 thousand times already. This was bad. If it spread any more then _Nicky_ _and_ _Aaron_ might see it. They would want to come here even more. He clicked play on Allison’s video.

There was a slideshow of photos of Neil. Music played in the background and fancy font on top of the images read ‘There’s a place where you don’t have to feel alone. Every time that you call out, you’re a little less alone. If you only say the words. From across the silence your voice is heard.’

On the second slide, the recording of Andrew’s speech was playing again.

There were hundreds of comments already.

Oh my god everybody needs to see this

I can’t stop watching this video

he’s only 17 yrs old???!!

take 5 min this will make your day

share it with the people you love

the world needs to hear this, repost!!!!

a beautiful tribute

favorite<3

I know someone who really needed to hear this today, so thank you Andrew Doe for doing what you’re doing

I never met you Neil. But coming on here and reading everyone’s posts? It’s so easy to feel alone but Andrew is exactly right none of us r alone

Thank you Andrew Doe for giving us a space to remember Neil

Sending prayers from Michigan

And from Vermont!

_Thank you Andrew Doe._

Andrew shut his laptop and ran. Cass’ keys were on the counter where she always left them, so Andrew grabbed them and bolted out the door, starting the engine and pulling out of the driveway in seconds.

Bee would help. Bee would always help.

Andrew pressed down harder on the gas.


End file.
